TL;DR: Get over yourselves; nobody cares what sexuality or gender identity a video game character is! They’re made out of pixels! PIXELS!

So here I was being a straight, male geek the other day, puttering about my basement mancave and minding about my own business. When suddenly a light shone down from heaven (we should really get that roof repaired). With it came a vision from God.

For those of you who are not blessed with such divine visions, I will try to describe God: She’s a trans gay woman who’s kinda homely, not really unattractive but not knocking herself out to conform to any beauty standards either. She seemed tired from putting up with people. God told me that I am the chosen vessel to preach her evangelism to the masses. I asked why me, and she snapped “Because you’re a blogger on the Internet, dummy!” Then she told me to pay attention because she’s a very busy lady.

gay_black_female_Jesus

Her message is that the alignment of the universe has changed and straight males would no longer be at the center of it, hence the universe would cease revolving around us. I kind of shrugged because, honestly, I never expected it to revolve around my demographic in the first place. But apparently this would be crushing news to some of you out there.

I asked why would straight males ever have the universe revolve around them in the first place, and she said, “Well, it had to be somebody’s turn, and when I launched you humans as a sequel to the monkeys, I figured to amplify straight males’ importance to help build up the population faster.” I had to admit that this plan worked. She said of course it worked, it was her idea. But now we have enough humans to keep things sustained, so we’re switching to a non-breeder-centric model.

As I pondered these ramifications, she blew a cloud of vapor past my head, from the cartridge in the CCELL battery clutched in her palm. I expressed surprise that God vapes and she said it helped with the stress. Yes, if you check your Bible, God is omnipotent and omniscient, but it says nothing about being impervious to stress. You try holding the whole universe together for a few millennia and then judge, OK?

She also left me more details and some proclamations to hand down, which I will get around to shortly. I have deadlines too, you know. If you’re expecting me to produce chiseled stone tablets like Moses or golden plates like Joseph Smith, I hate to disappoint you. But she gave me a USB thumbdrive loaded with spreadsheets, saying this was so much more convenient now that we’d developed our information technology.

As I reflected upon my divinely ordained quest, I realized that all of this had happened because of a girl named “Abby.”

Abby_and_her_hammer

Flashback: The Last of Us II Controversy

Abby is a character in Naughty Dog’s latest game for the PS4: The Last of Us II. A sequel to the 2013 hit action-adventure title, it plays through the continued story of a rag-tag group of humans in a post-apocalyptic world ravaged by a fungal infection that turns people into mutants.

Now, within the game’s main cast, there’s a lot of females. Various rumors and counter-rumors exist online regarding their sexuality and gender-identity. Be that as it may, you’ll have a hard time tracking down the true canon of any one character’s sexual orientation or gender-identity, at least from the game studio.

As far as anybody can understand it, the toxic straight male fans were triggered because Abby is buff. That, and she carries a hammer around, which she uses to smash the weewees of toxic straight males. She’ll just run up to guys all mighty Thor, bonking them in the crotch as she yells “Take that, you oppressive cisgender patriarch!”

But according to other reviewer’s interpretations, the game’s a hotbed of queers, violence, slurs, transfolk, and even killing puppies. Then there’s the voice actor for Abby’s character, who has received the prerequisite death threats that come with any story where you can Ctrl-F and find “4chan” in the text. All of this sums up to nothing more than a misogynist reaction to a plain old strong female character.

Abby_grunts

ELI5: “anti-SJWs”

The game also got review-bombed on Metacritic by – wait for it – the “anti-SJW” crowd. “SJW” is supposed to mean “social justice warrior,” which is apparently applied in a derogatory fashion to… um… people? People who don’t expect the universe to revolve around straight males.

I am an SJW, and so are most of you reading this, simply because we don’t have copies of Neil Strauss’ The Game next to our copies of Mein Kampf. If you aren’t a subscriber to red-pill cultism, if you are in fact a normal, adjusted member of society who is at peace with the politics of sexuality regardless of who has a corndog and who has a taco, then you’re an SJW. If you are neutral and don’t pick a side, you’re an SJW. If you’re a macho knuckle-draggin’ cave-dude who likes your women mousy and subservient but still don’t think John Norman’s Gor series is the ideal structure for society, you’re still an SJW.

No really, I’ve read The Game, and it demonizes not just women, but all men who don’t think like Neil Strauss does. It demonized gay and transgender men too. There are two books that have made me physically ill to my stomach just to read them; one of them is The Game and the other is Mein Kampf.

Anyway, you could disappear down that toxic rabbit-hole forever. These guys are so militarized that they’ve written their own language, as the PUA (pick-up artist) glossary, filled with terms whose very coinings reflect the loopy hambrained logic through which these people view life.

But I digress. Abby: Big muscles, big trouble in little China.

Abby_get_your_gun

The whole issue seems to be sparked by Abby not conforming to the standard of female body images in video games. Cosplayers are happy to demonstrate the correct female body standards in video games:

Lara_Croft_cosplay

It’s all about dem torpedo tittays! But honestly, this Abby character exists in a post-apocalyptic hellscape festooned with mutants chasing her around in an action game. Maybe being able to navigate this environment without high heels and nail polish is an asset, no? Perhaps the designers decided they’ve modeled enough skimpy bikini bunnies, dammit, show me somebody who looks like they can survive an apocalypse!

Anyway, back to God’s decrees:

The Following Video Game Characters Are Also Hereby Decreed LGBTQIA+:

Eowyn

Eowyn in any game based on Lord of the Rings. She answered a prophecy that called for “no man,” pulling off her helmet to reveal her feminine locks before shish-ka-bobbing the Witch King of Angmar. Yep, she’s never shown having a husband or boyfriend, and doesn’t even paw at Aragorn like all the other gals. Definitely dykers.

Companion_Cube_p2

The weighted Companion Cube from the Portal series. Since nobody has bothered to solicit the cube for comment, this is not widely known. But in fact the weighted Companion Cube is a closeted technogendered demisexual androgyne.

gaybow_Luigi

Luigi from the Super Mario franchise. He was already inconsiderately outed by a slip of the tweet at Nintendo. If you’re just now getting the news about the rainbow cast of the Super Mario franchise, brace yourself to meet Bowsette.

Duke_Nukem

Duke Nukem from the 3D game of the same title. Seriously, could you be any more transparently closeted?

Oh, yeah, the title mythical equine from Robot Unicorn Attack. I know, stop the presses.

Black_Closet

The entire cast of Black Closet. All of them are trans several times over, having had reassignment surgery down there so many times that the doctors just gave up and made them all Decepticons with their choice of vacuum cleaner attachments.

And finally, may I present:

A Modest Proposal

I have a solution for all of this controversy. It is an even, fair, and just way to dispose of all gender and sexuality controversies once and for all, forever. It is deliberately crafted to piss off everyone equally.

New rule: We are all female!

This is applied through simple logic. Everyone is born with at least one X chromosome, so the rest is superfluous details. Whether you have a corndog or a taco down there, and what you do with it, does not matter.

Some cars have carburetors and some cars have fuel injectors, but we still call it “a car,” do we not? Do we sort people by blood type? Then why are we sorting people based on the contents of their underwear?

That’s the conversation none of you are ready to have, but I’ll keep bringing up my monogenderism revolution at every opportunity until it catches on. Think how many problems this solves:

  • There is now only one gender. Cut the rest out of the dictionary.
  • Everybody uses the same bathroom. You’ll feel awkward for a few months and then get right over it, after which we never have to have that argument again.
  • We can call off the hunt for a new pronoun.
  • One marriage law for everybody.
  • One less bit of text taking up space on our photo IDs.
  • Everybody equal everywhere.

Isn’t that a nice plan? Call me back when you want world peace.

 

About the author

Penguin Pete

Penguin Pete

Geek tribal bard for the Internet, before "geek" was cool. Linux power user, MTG collector, light saber owner, cult movie fanatic, comic book memer, video gamer, Unix beard currently measures six inches.