Are you working from home for the CoronaVirus quarantine and going STIR CRAZY? This is your list then. Outfit your home office life with a new attitude.

Hello, entire world! Welcome to my domain, the world of working from home. This has become necessary for all of you now that COVID-19 / CoronaVirus has taken over the world and we have to restructure society as the prison planet.

SouthPark_neckbeard

I’ll be your host.

I’ve been working at home as an online freelancer since the turn of the century. Previously, I used to work in the square world with “bosses” and “performance reviews” as cubicle slave #R461082, before I gnawed off a leg and escaped through the office ventilation system. I have now enjoyed two happy decades of weirding out my neighbors.

Every time I step outside to make the Great Voyage To Wheel My Trash Can To The Curb once a week, I can see the thought bubbles popping up over my neighbor’s houses as they peep through the window blinds at me: “He doesn’t go anywhere… He’s not old enough to retire… He’s obviously not rich enough to be independent… He’s obviously not poor enough for welfare… He never has company over so he can’t be a drug dealer… He’s too out of shape to be a serial killer… HOW does he survive? Is he blackmailing somebody? Is he squatting in that house? Is he a hacker?”

Well, babies, you’re about to find out, because you’re all stuck in my boat now. Don’t worry, after a few months of solitary isolation, outside society will become as alien to you as it is to me. Your spouse will learn to explain to the freaked-out store clerks that you don’t get out much. As you become more feral, you will not even blink at a 9AM cocktail hour, as your housemates ask when your last shower was and you think silently for a few minutes.

You all might be asking by now, “How do I keep my sanity when working from home?” The answer is you don’t! Sanity is much too confining. The business world prizes “thinking out of the box.” Appreciate your increasing eccentricity as lubrication to help your brain find those wild solutions and gonzo ideas which will keep your business nimble during the coming Dark Ages.

To help you transition into the cackling maniac you’re about to become, these home office toys will be some helpful props for interacting with your team on video conferencing chats.


Magic 8 Ball: Retro

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That’s just about the first thing you have been asking: “Do they even make those Magic 8-Balls anymore?” Well, they’ve made a comeback. Perfect for the sarcastic reply to every question your teammates will lob at you from their mousy little Microsoft Teams windows on your desktop. It works for bosses to instill confidence in the rank and file that the head honcho has it under control. It works for underling minions to answer the boss about when that spreadsheet will be ready. Use it to forecast the stock market. Listen, in this age, the Magic 8-Ball is likely to be as right as anybody else about what the hell is going to happen next.

On Amazon


The Unemployed Philosophers Guild Finger Puppets (yes, all of them)

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We’ll use ol’ Sigmund Freud as the example of the typical puppet which would be hilarious to have on hand for impromptu psychoanalyzing of your co-workers’ gibbering nonsense. But really, the Unemployed Philosopher’s Guild needs to just sell a whole kit. There’s dozens of them. They have Shakespeare, Einstein, Cthulhu, Papa Kurt Vonnegut himself, Jesus, Mr. Spock, and Batman. We dare you – we double-dog Samuel-L-Jackson dare you – to cast them all in your hit YouTube video series. In any case, owning a finger puppet means never having to answer that Skype call yourself. If you can’t be funny in a teleconference with George Orwell on your finger, we don’t know what to do with you.

On Amazon


Executive Sandbox – A Day at the Beach

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Yeah, remember how you used to go to the beach in person, back when the damn thing was open? This brilliant updating of the classic desktop Zen sand garden gives you a full beach set, with a lounge chair and umbrella, bucket & shovel sand toys, and more. Idly distract yourself when you co-workers bicker on Telegram about some trivia that doesn’t involve you. It’s like your little corner of paradise amid the grimy turmoil of your domicile, along with one more motivation to keep the cat off your desk.

On Amazon


LYLYCTY Background 5x7ft Non-Woven Fabric Solid Color Green Screen Photo Backdrop Studio Photography Props LY063

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One of the most common problems pressing the new stay-at-home workforce is “Where to put the camera?” You sure don’t want your managers to see the grubby hovel you actually live in. There isn’t always a convenient, well-lit, featureless wall handy. Until 21st century architects get with the program and give every dwelling its own camera corner, this economical green screen makes a great neutral background by itself. It also makes a chroma-key background if you happen to be handy with visual effects and remember not to wear anything lime green.

On Amazon


Laptop Desk for Bed, TaoTronics Lap Desks Bed Trays for Eating and Laptops Stand Lap Table, Adjustable Computer Tray for Bed, Foldable Bed Desk for Laptop and Writing in Sofa and Couch Wood

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Have you ever heard the expression “I don’t get out of bed for that kind of money”? Well now neither will you, because you will earn your money while in bed! That sounded like something different, didn’t it? Anyway, this adjustable tray lets you take your work to a new, horizontal level. It’s also handy for the couch or recliner too, if you’re feeling motivated to lumber all the way down the hall to the living room. For those who are on the “essential” list, find out just how essential you are when you join that Zoom conference in your jammies.

On Amazon


Ann Arbor T-shirt Co. Prisoner Jumpsuit | Orange Prison Inmate Halloween Costume Unisex Jail Criminal

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For the particularly droll who don’t mind letting everyone know how they really feel about their job. After all, “work from home” means dress codes are out the window. Presenting your new business suit! It’s a wry commentary on late-stage capitalism, a frank reaction to quarantine stay-at-home orders, and pretty comfortable once you get used to it. Which you will. Just remember to change clothes before you wander outside for supplies, or you might have some serious explaining to do when the cops pull you over.

On Amazon


Straight Outta Quarantine, COVID-19 TShirts

quarantine_Tshirt

And finally, the COVID-19 Tshirts are starting to circulate. This one seems to be the hottest item. You get the hip-hop cred of showing everybody you can tough it out, whether teleconferencing at home or foraging for supplies during your rare trips outside. After this is over (because it will HAVE to end someday, right?), it will be a prized souvenir of your ordeal. Because it takes more than a microscopic pesky virus to break our spirits, can you gimme “amen”?

On Amazon


In closing, here’s a South Park clip about buying lots and lots of toilet paper. Remember when stores stocked this much at once?

 

About the author

Penguin Pete

Penguin Pete

Geek tribal bard for the Internet, before "geek" was cool. Linux power user, MTG collector, light saber owner, cult movie fanatic, comic book memer, video gamer, Unix beard currently measures six inches.