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And so it came to pass in accordance with the prophecy, the stars aligned and yeah, the messengers rode out of the East at dawn into Bethlehem, bringing tidings of great joy. For unto you this day is downloaded the game that was foretold in the ancient verses, and at last you get a chance to play the game you’ve been hearing about your whole life, Duke Nukem Forever

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Ah, no, wait, wrong game. We mean Cyberpunk 2077

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From CD Projekt Red, the creators of the Witcher game franchise, Cyberpunk 2077 seems aimed at being the kind of game that Rick Deckard from Blade Runner would play in his off-time. Here’s that super-slick trailer one last time, just in case you aren’t completely sold on what a gaming event this is…

Now we do have some opening days glitches to work out on the platforms. So far Eurogamer says the best way to play Cyberpunk 2077 is – big surprise – on a beefed out desktop PC so pumped that it literally grows testicles. PC Master Race wins again! It’s on Steam, $59.99, Windows only of course. However, true wizards have gotten it to run on Linux using Valve’s Proton compatibility layer.

The following “brutally honest” reviewer concludes that the game may not be quite as good as hyped, but it’s still darned impressive. Given the hype ran to the heavens and drowned out two holidays and an election, (hey, uh, Biden won if you haven’t heard yet), God Himself couldn’t live up to the hype.

But the reviewer does point out the detail that the game is designed deliberately to invoke ’80s retro cyberpunk aesthetics. Like I say, Blade Runner. And for that matter, all the canonical works based on Philip K. Dick.

But I’m not here to shoot any partridges out of your pear tree! Nope, this Christmas release calls for a celebration of unhinged capitalism, the exact sin which cyberpunk (the genre) calls out most stridently. Here’s all the Cyberpunk 2077 merch we can find which the crafty folk at Etsy have ground out, in preparation for release. When you can tear yourself away from the game, or if you are looking for the perfect gift for someone who’s going to be glued to their battlestation for the rest of this month, check out these wares:


Saint Keanu Reeves Prayer Candle

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In the first place, let’s not kid ourselves about the biggest draw to the game: the talent. Starting with Keanu Reeves, who plays an important, major character in the game. We went searching for the most worshipful merchandise for your Keanu Reeves shrine and found this prayer candle, which will complete your votive altar this Christmas and light your path through Night City into the new year. Sometime, I’m gonna have to blow all your minds with a Keanu Reeves career retrospective, because it will give me a chance to talk about movies you had no idea he was in.

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Cyberpunk 2077 Face Mask

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Nothing says “2020” like a COVID facemask printed in the Cyberpunk 2077 logo. The pandemic itself is straight out of a dystopian sci-fi novel, where at least half the threat is from the inadequacy of government response and an information Cold War which gaslights people into believing it doesn’t exist. You can’t be a cyborg mercenary in real life, but that’s what jacking into your virtual matrix is for. You didn’t expect us to fix reality or anything silly like that, did you?

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Night City Custom Poster

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There’s a lot of wall art themed after Cyberpunk 2077 right now, but we had to go with this gorgeous Night City rendering. The skyline is surreally beautiful and captures the eye candy in the game well. Night City’s aesthetics have come true already in our most overbuilt metropolises such as Singapore, Shanghai, and Hong Kong. CD Projekt Red went for a nice middle ground between “Asian flesh pit” and “middle eastern filthy-rich oil country.”

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JOHNNY SILVERHAND || Custom Cyberpunk 2077 Figure Statue Resin Model Kit

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Now that we got Keanu Reeves himself earlier in the list, this model kit gives you his sure-to-be-iconic role, Johnny Silverhand. The detail on this work is meticulous, capturing the in-game rendering with a physical reality. Until you have this pose surveying your desktop gaming rig approvingly, you just can’t appreciate what a perfect role this is for His Reevesness. Well, maybe you can, but work with us here.

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Cyberpunk 2077 Etch glass Samurai

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We could have gone with a coffee mug here, but we’re pretty sure that our target demographic for this game is more into a frosty glass of energy drink. Or an old fashioned spiked with your hard liquor of choice. Coffee is for working, busy people, and you can slap any logo on a mug. This glass has commitment, with an etched design of the mascot oni mask. Yes, that’s “oni,” a Japanese demon character from folklore. You probably knew that, but we’re seeing people call it everything else already.

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Did that wake you up, Samurai?

Whatever anybody else has said and will say about Cyberpunk 2077, it is a game perfectly in step with our times. Like the game, our own culture is both pessimistically looking to the future and sickened with sweet nostalgia for the ’80s cyberpunk aesthetic when things were better and we knew they’d get worse. It is infused with all the nonsense beliefs we have plaguing our culture now, such as the concept of “mind uploading,” raised in the synthesis of the Johnny Mnemonic Silverhand character. Kurzgesagt on the subject:

So basically, uploading the human mind to a computer is impossible on several fronts because we don’t have the technology yet, and even only theoretically arguable from a philosophic standpoint to begin with. First we would have to quantify in scientific terms what a mind even is, then figure out how to interface it with a computer, then comes the question of whether the “upload” is really you or a digital phantom.

But look at it this way: How badly do we actually want this technology to exist?

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See, it doesn’t look like such a good idea on Black Mirror, now does it?

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