Between seasons of Star Trek : Picard, complete your collection of Captain Picard memorabilia and collectibles. We finally get to do a Star Trek post!

The CBS All Access series Star Trek : Picard has just wrapped up its first 10-episode season, with a renewal greenlit for another season. In the face of the onslaught of press devoted to that other sci-fi franchise with the word “star” in its name, Picard has just about single-handedly kept Trekkie culture alive.

Meanwhile, April 5th is coming up, which is First Contact Day, the day when humans will supposedly greet their first sentient extraterrestrials (Killer Klowns From Outer Space – whoops, we mean Vulcans) in the year 2063 – just 43 years from now.

So this means we ⒻⒾⓃⒶⓁⓁⓎ get to blog some Star Trek around here! Gee gosh wow and holy Spock ears, out research staff thought this day would never come! We have so many memes stored in the hold, we don’t know where to start! Stand by for more fandom wanks than you can shake a Captain’s Log at.

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What Would Captain Picard Do?: Captain’s Orders from the U.S.S. Enterprise (Star Trek)

Picard_Orders_book

On Amazon

Like many of us, we’re sure that in your most challenging moments, you turn to the one and only Captain for guidance. Apply Captain Picard’s life lessons to your business, home life, relationships, and navigating the scary intergalactic environment we currently call “life on Earth.” Just imagine how much more smoothly you could navigate the tricky dilemmas of life with the Captain at your side! Consider how many people quote his inspirational speeches already, like this one:


Icon Heroes Star Trek TNG Captain Picard Facepalm Bust Faux Bronze

Picard_facepalm_bust

On Amazon

Yes, it is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose – but when you make a tremendous blunder, it deserves the most epic facepalm in the galaxy. Commemorate the greatest shade meme in Internet history with the Captain captured in this handsome classical bust. Perhaps keep it on your desk to turn towards the camera when your co-worker on Zoom just uttered words that are light speed stupid. Here’s a little compilation to show that nobody facepalms like Patrick Stewart:


Rocketboots Picard Mug. Tea. Earl Grey. Hot. 11 oz Coffee Mug for Trekkies Fan Gift

Earl_Grey_mug

On Amazon

Normally posting a coffee mug is a cop-out we never do around here, but the Captain is known for his fondness for stimulating hot beverages. So let’s talk about tea for a minute. Your average mug of tea contains between 30 and 90 milligrams of caffeine, depending on brew strength, making it slightly less caffeinated than coffee. However, tea also contains theanine, theobromine, and theophylline, three psychoactive chemicals with stimulant effects in their own right. You get a different, jazzier kick out of tea than coffee, which explains why you can have a caffeine crash off coffee but a strong Earl Grey will keep you up until 3AM. Here’s a compendium of the Captain ordering tea:


Star Trek Jean Luc Picard Make it Soap! – 1 Mini Bar of Soap – Made in The USA

Make_It_Soap

On Amazon

Well, why not wash up with the Captain? Some puns are just so dumb that they become epic works of art. They didn’t mess around wit this soap, either – it’s scented Earl Grey just like the tea! By the Unemployed Philosopher’s Guild, which also makes a wide range of geeky stuff we have to devote a full post to sometime. Here’s a a whole compilation of the Captain initiating orders:


MELISSI Picard Riker 2020 Round Badge Button Pin Round Button Badge 1 PCS

Picard_Riker_campaign_pin

On Amazon

It doesn’t matter what political party you identify with, you have to admit the Captain and his Number One would do a better job of running the show than any of the lot we’ve seen in recent memory. Could Trump pull off a Picard maneuver? Did Obama ever serve as the Arbiter for the Klingon Empire? Could George W have repelled a Borg invasion? Could Bill Clinton look this good bald? You could go on all day. Since we don’t have an appropriate clip this time, we’ll fill a free square with Patrick Stewart being hilarious on Jimmy Kimmel, just to show that we have no idea what we’re doing anymore:


Star Trek U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D – Enterprise Replica Bluetooth Speaker, Engine Noise Sleep Machine, Night Light, Sound Effects 

Enterprise_white_noise

On Amazon

To wrap up, here’s a fun and practical toy for the home. It’s an Enterprise replica that plays sound effects from ST:TNG, and functions as a nightlight and white noise generator for soothing sleep. Change sounds with the press of a button to fire phasers, order a code red, and more. Then be lulled to sleep by the gentle pulse of the warp engines. Dig the Trek Collector’s frank, but overall positive, review:


Bonus Round Star Trek Geekery

Since we never know when we’ll get to our next Star Trek post, we’d better get a lot of Trekking out of our system here.

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Popular Mechanics magazine ranks the (at the time) 13 Star Trek movies from worst to best.

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Get ready for the biggest canon-wank party on this planet, the Star Trek Fact Check blog is ready with all of your favorite fandom disputes about the production of ST:TOS. Decades of Usenet flame wars encapsulated into a concentrated phaser-burn of investigative reporting, plus salty fandom commentary.

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A Flickr gallery of every female in the original Star Trek series. Green-skinned space babe fans, get your fetish engaged here!

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Variety magazine’s 25th anniversary interview with Star Trek : Deep Space Nine‘s cast and crew.

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A Star Trek science glossary. Need to find out what chemical compound kills a Cardassian? Want to find out the side effects of using felicium to cure a plague? Need to sort an antichroniton from an antineutrino? This reference is for you.

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Wired chimes in with a ponder upon the economics of Star Trek.

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A full flowchart to reading Star Trek literature. We mean FULL! The novels, anthologies, comics, ebook novellas, everything. If you can’t get through a quarantine with this reading list, you’re just not trying.

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Stardates – explained! Well, as close as anybody can explain them.

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Til next time, LLAP!https://amzn.to/2xBm8v8

About the author

Penguin Pete

Penguin Pete

Geek tribal bard for the Internet, before "geek" was cool. Linux power user, MTG collector, light saber owner, cult movie fanatic, comic book memer, video gamer, Unix beard currently measures six inches.